Photo by Jilbert Ebrahimi.
Have you ever felt embarrassed about something? Were you so embarrassed or ashamed that you will NEVER tell anyone about it?
A couple of months ago, I left my house for the day. Before I left, I put a full bag of trash in the basement. I put my dog in the back yard so he wouldn't chew up our shoes while we were gone. Since the basement door wasn't fully closed, my dog got into the trash while we were gone, but I didn't notice that until later. Weeks later, actually. Here’s the thing. My basement is unfinished and it's connected to the crawlspace under my house, so you can imagine that it's got bugs and cobwebs in it. I'm not a fan. So I really don't go down there very often. I was dismayed and disgusted when I saw the mess, but I was in a hurry the day I saw it. So I just added it to the mental task list in my mind. And then I ignored it.
Time went by. I kept ignoring my trash problem.
It's embarrassing just how long I left that messy pile of trash in the basement. It's SUPER embarrassing to tell you about it. But this is life. We all have things that we feel embarrassed about. AmIright?
Last weekend, I woke up on Saturday morning and the first thing that came to my mind was that trash in the basement. But again, I didn't feel like cleaning it up. It's the last thing I wanted to do. I had scheduled a massage later that morning and I didn't want to think about picking up trash. So I procrastinated. I procrastinated by doing some really good things. I journaled. I took the dog on a walk. I dilly-dallied.
Time was slipping away. Soon I'd be out of time to get this horrible task done. But I knew I wouldn't even enjoy my massage completely if this was still on the back of my mind. Finally, with only ten minutes left to do the THING that I was avoiding and dreading, I grabbed 4 big trash bags and headed down to the basement. At this point, this project had grown in my mind. In my mind, my entire basement was now full of trash.
When I got down there, I almost cried. Ugh. Just the sight of it made me feel bad about myself.
I couldn't believe I'd let it be a mess for that long. And how in the world was I going to get it all picked up before I needed to go take a shower and leave to get a massage? Ugh, what was wrong with me? But before I could berate myself anymore or talk myself out of it, I started cleaning up. I hit play on my Spotify playlist and turned up the volume. I grabbed a dustpan and started scooping up a little bit at a time.
Scrape, scoop. Scrape, scoop. Scoop. Scoop. Scoop.
Disgusting. Vile. Smelly. Old. Dirty. Filth.
Scoop. Scoop. Scoop.
One bag was almost full so I tied it up and opened another one. I moved mindlessly now, just doing what I needed to do to finish this. I didn't look at the time. It didn't matter what time it was. There was no quitting now. Who cared if I missed my massage appointment — my basement needed to be clean. I was in it to finish it. Once I make up my mind to do something, I am absolutely relentless.
The lyrics pelted from my phone speaker. I wanted to vomit but I strengthened my resolve. This job actually symbolized more than cleaning up trash. I was scooping up resentment and other people’s opinions and unforgiveness and gossip and toxic thoughts off of my basement floor. It was time to toss all of that negativity out.
Scoop, toss. Scoop. Scoop.
And then, just like that, it was done. The second bag wasn't even full — there hadn't been as much trash as I thought there was! I finished scooping and swept the whole basement. I picked up my phone to check the time — only 9 minutes had passed. I wanted to laugh at myself. That whole dreaded task took less than ten minutes to do.
I took a shower and got to my massage appointment on time. I breathed deep, in peace, as I truly relaxed.
What Type of Trash is Taking up Space in Your Heart?
Isn't this trash struggle so much like any difficult thing that we face in life? When the right thing to do is also the hardest thing to do, sometimes we avoid it. We try to find another way. If we can ignore the problem, surely it will just go away! But the problem doesn't go away... it's still there.
THERE IS NO SHAME FOR HAVING TRASH. Part of my struggle is the way that I view myself because of the problems I encounter. I let my problems and my mistakes tell me things about myself. I have let trash tell me that I was worthless and shameful. I've let trash label me as broken. I've let trash shut me up, leaving me embarrassed and lonely and stuck. I've been convinced that I needed to hide my trash in order to be loveable. But if you think about it, trash is a normal part of LIVING and GROWING. Trash will accumulate — and then we need to get rid of it.
IT’S OKAY TO LET SOMEONE HELP YOU. Sometimes we need help with our trash problems. It can feel so embarrassing to let anyone see our trash. We don’t want anyone to know about our "issues", I totally get it. I let someone see my trash in my basement and I cringed. I felt so embarrassed. But I know I sometimes need to let others see my trash in order to be real and not hide any part of who I am. Now I'm willing to be transparent and tell you that I have my own trash problems so that you might feel safe to confront your own "trash". It’s okay to let someone help you. I talk to my therapist who helps me with my trash. I also read my bible on the daily and talk to God as a way to cultivate spiritual intimacy and tune into the awareness of my identity in Christ.
EVERYONE HAS TRASH. We all have trash. You’re not "bad" for having trash. You aren't "bad" even if someone else said you are. Your struggle with finances doesn’t have to last forever — you can take control of it. Your lack of boundaries doesn’t have to continue to destroy your peace and allow others to walk all over you. Some of you have deep struggles with shame, just like me. Your mistakes don't mean that it's too late for you to try again. Your divorce doesn't define you. Your pain from your trauma doesn't make you unlovable. Your grief doesn't make you "too much". The abuse doesn't make you wrong or shameful. It's not your fault. The way they don't include you doesn't mean you don't belong here, but you probably don't belong there with them, and that's okay. Everyone has their own private struggle to deal with. This will help you to have compassion for others, especially when they don’t treat you right. This certainly doesn’t ever justify abusive behavior, though.
TAKE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. You won't make better habits without taking personal responsibility and embracing discipline. You won’t get toxic trash out of your heart and mind until you own up to your part of getting rid of it. Someone else might have made the mess, someone else may have crossed your boundaries and violated you, someone else may still be taking advantage of you even after you spoke up, or maybe you made this whole mess yourself. Either way, it's up to you to take the first step. It's up to you to confront the problem. It's up to you to clean up the trash. It’s up to you to make a better boundary.
IT’S NOT AS BIG OR AS HARD AS YOU THINK IT IS. When you start cleaning up the trash, it's often not quite as outlandishly big of a task as you thought it was going to be. Physically, emotionally, and mentally we all have work to do. But spiritually, I believe that all of our trash is already covered under the sacrifice by the Love of God, Jesus Christ. Because God so loved us, we're made right already, and nothing can ever separate us from that Love. That’s really GOOD NEWS. So even when there's trash that you're hiding, you're still completely loved. There's no shame on you for the trash that you have. That trash doesn't define you at all. You don't have to be afraid of your trash. Just get rid of it, so you can really LIVE and THRIVE.
Dwelling on the past is a denial of this present moment. —Ed Mylett
Peace and freedom of mind are worth EVERYTHING.
Will it be easy to clean up the trash? Nope. Will it feel disgusting and embarrassing or completely intimidating? Probably. But are peace and freedom and a clean heart worth the process of owning up to it and doing the work? Abso-freaking-lutely. Every single time it's worth it.
Trust that you have what it takes to do the hard things. Your heart is worthy of being cherished and cared for... by YOU.
Don't put it off anymore. Forgive someone. Have the hard conversation. Let go of the opinions that others have about you. Refuse to be silenced. Make a better boundary and say, "No". End the relationship that keeps dragging you down. Do the next right thing.
Finally, I’ll leave you with a quote by one of my favorite authors and one of my favorite therapists, award winning author, Barbra Russell. She says, “Don’t grab that hurtful stuff and pull it into your heart. Let it fall to the ground. That takes courage. That takes intention. That leads to power.”
Save this quote and keep it as a reminder! Share it to social media and remind others to take care of their hearts, too.
Let's clean up and win together.
This has been another installment of my weekly #WinWednesday journey. Win Wednesday is an email list with over 1,000 humans on it — NO SALES ALLOWED. It exists to help make all of us better. I write a weekly pep talk or some chicken soup for the soul, whichever one tends to be flowing out of my heart at the moment. If you’d like to be part of #WinWednesday, simply signup for the email in the footer of this website.
